I Want You to Know...

...that I didn't put my life on hold for you.

I hear that a lot from stay-at-home-moms. I used to say it myself: "My plans are on hold for now." But, as the time has passed, I have realized that the concept of "putting my life on hold" could not possibly be more incorrect. Let's rewind to November of 2007, shall we?

In November of 2007, your dad and I had decided that our lives were at a point where I could quit working and go back to school full time beginning in January 2008. I had already mapped out a class schedule, and was planning to register for classes mid-December. Well, the universe has a funny way of laughing in our faces when we carefully craft plans for the future. Instead of choosing classes during December, I was choosing an obstetrician. That's right; Ian was in the oven! To quote Clark Griswold, "I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet."

I waited until the Fall 2008 semester to take a couple of classes (and just so you know....Dumbest. Idea. Ever.), and accepted the fact that I was now going to be a part-time student and MOTHER instead of a full-time student. It was very difficult to find the time to do everything I was committed to doing and make sure I was doing it all well. And over the next three years, the struggle to find balance continued. Finally, in January 2012 I threw up my hands and said, "Enough!" It was too much. Too much for me. Too much for your dad. Too much for you boys. Too much for all of us. My (second) college education needed to wait until it was the right time for our family. My life was really "on hold."

For a year now, all of my efforts, all of my energy, have been poured into our family. Into being a stay-at-home-mom. Into being a wife. Into being our "family manager." Into being more focused, more available, more engaged. And in this time, I've come to realize that my life was never "on hold." Not for one single nanosecond. My life had changed the very instant Ian took his first breath and so had my priorities. I realized my life had been in full swing for over three years. More so than it had ever been. I was exponentially happier than I had ever been in the past....if you could mathematically measure happiness, that is. It just took me a while to see these facts clearly.

My life was never on hold because I was busy being a mother and not a full-time student. If anything, my life had been on hold because I was busy trying to be a part-time student and not a full-time wife and mother. When I'm soaking in smiles, kissing boo-boos, tickling chubby legs, singing to tired ears, rocking with a full lap of children, teddy bears, and books, threatening to take toys to the basement, cleaning spilled oatmeal off the table, cleaning every single textile in Ian's room because it's been doused with baby oil...my life is moving right along as it should be. When I was hiding away at the library for hours upon hours to prepare for my next Organic Chemistry test, missing bed time snuggles and family dinners...that's when my life was on hold. Giving up my ideal schedule for the future freed me to fully experience the present in all its messy glory, and it was the most amazing opportunity I have ever had the privilege to stumble into.

You only get one childhood, which means I only get one shot at being a stay-at-home-mom to sweet little chums. My life is not "on hold" during this period of time. For all I know, this could be the very season of my existence that my life is the fullest. I don't regret a single day of my tenure as stay-at-home-mom. Maybe my future isn't going to play out quite like I thought it would, but so what. My present is sheer perfection, and that's all I care about right now.

Mom