Our awesome public pool. It's just one year old so everything is in great shape!
In all our hours at the pool, I have seen hundreds of moms and found that they all fit into one of six specific categories. I have created summaries of each of the categories, highlighting the most identifiable traits of each type of mother. I am not above this. I, too, fit into one of the common "mama categories". Please enjoy the findings in my study of human behavior.
HOT MAMA
The hot mama is exactly what it sounds like. She is the woman who gave birth to twins, who each weighed over seven pounds, and hasn't a single stretch mark or square millimeter of loose or saggy skin. Her stomach is perfectly toned, even though she "can't seem to loose the baby weight." (Exasperated sigh from hot mama, silent cursing from anyone who heard her lament) EVERYONE not within the hot mama category, despises the hot mama. The hot mama never looks like she is about to wrangle little ones. Quite the contrary. She looks like she just left the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot. While the other mothers are in conservative tankinis with skirted bottoms, the hot mama's bathing suit is made of less material than her child's. One small tug and the hot mama's breasts, which have miraculously been made even perkier from breastfeeding (much, much, much more silent cursing), will be in full view. The hot mama spends her time sunning herself in the shallow end while her children splash happily around her because they too are aware of how hot their mama truly is and want her in close proximity.
SOCIALITE
First of all, I use this term quite liberally considering we live in "Mayberry", but even in Mayberry, the socialite exists in some form. This mother usually has her mother, sister, cousin, or "helper" with her and her single child. The socialite spends her pool time hours visiting (gossiping) with every single person in the pool except her own child and assistant care giver. The socialite basks in the sun, cools off in the fountain, and relaxes in the water while a never ending stream of conversation (gossip) issues from her mouth. In between juicy tidbits about fellow moms (could Jane's bathing suit be any smaller?), the socialite is able to commiserate with fellow socialites about how truly difficult it is to be the attentive mothers they are. The socialite, of course, is blissfully unaware of her child's care giver's struggles. While the child is wreaking havoc in the pool, the socialite's "helper" is responsible for keeping the child in line but is not allowed to use any form of discipline because can you IMAGINE what people would say?! The horror! In reality, the "helper" could whip the child into shape within five minutes of being alone with the child, but the socialite had children so she could BE with them. She can't stand the thought of someone else being responsible for HER children. "Why have children if you aren't going to be the one who raises them?" she opines. The socialite is, in her mind, just getting her well deserved break after a solid seventeen minutes of parenting on her own this week. Who knew parenting was going to take so much time!?
RELAXER
The relaxer is a very difficult mother to understand. She is most likely someone who does not get much help with the rearing of her children and uses the lifeguard as a temporary babysitter. Other mother's are quick to identify the relaxer and claim their pool territory accordingly. The relaxer will sit on the side of the pool while her child dunks toddlers a mere yard away from her. She does not reprimand her child nor does she apologize to the victim. She relaxes while the lifeguard is left to parent her child. The relaxer sits idly by while her child slides down the slide and lands on the previous slider. The lifeguard will once again instruct the child on proper pool etiquette while the relaxer simply applies more sunblock to herself, but not her child. The reason lifeguards rotate positions within the confines of the pool every 15 minutes is not to keep them alert, but to keep them from being driven to murder after prolonged exposure to the same relaxers. The relaxer will be at the pool from the second it opens until the second it closes in order to shift the responsibility of her child onto someone other than herself. The relaxer receives multiple dirty looks during the course of her visit, yet has never acknowledged a single one.
SMOTHER MOTHER
The "smother mother" is always easy to spot. The smother mother is most commonly parent to one child only. She is the mother who is feeding her four-year-old cereal because she doesn't want his terribly unclean hands to touch his Cheerios before they enter his mouth. She has been searching desperately for an amphibious stroller, but to no avail. Her child will actually have to get into the water with absolutely no restraints. (GASP!) The smother mother is the ONLY person with which her child is allowed to interact because who knows what types of unspeakably filthy ideas the other three and four-year-olds in the pool will contaminate her child's brain with. The smother mother is also shoving age-INappropriate facts down her seriously uninterested child's throat at all times because HER child is going to be the smartest. Example: "The pool is full of water. A single molecule of water is comprised of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. The molecular weight of water is 18.015 g/mol. The water is treated with chlorine. The atomic symbol for chlorine is Cl. Now, an interesting fact about chlorine is....." The smother mother does not realize that what she has just accomplished is nothing. She would have been much better off discussing colors, shapes, and counting groups of objects. Of course, that is often too simple for the smother mother's child who knows better than all of us morons roaming the earth that everything in the world is actually the color: chicken. (Proud smile from the smother mother.) The smother mother undoubtedly loves her child more than anything in the world, which is how it should be. But in her ideal world, she never would have given birth to her child to begin with. The child would have remained in utero and she would have simply had a porthole installed in her abdomen so people could look through and see her baby, but definitely never touch it or interact with it without getting express written consent from her first.
HOVER MOTHER
This is the category into which I fit. The hover mother prides herself on letting her kids be kids. She encourages them to explore everything on their own. The children of a hover mother are found splashing merrily in the water with siblings or other kids while experiencing a sense of independence and freedom. This sense of independence is of course, entirely false. The hover mother NEVER lets her children get more than one giant step and one arm's length away. The hover mother is also the go to gal for consumer ratings on children's leashes. Her kids are trustworthy enough to walk instead of ride in the stroller, but still not trustworthy enough to walk instead of ride in the stroller. The hover mother is always very, very, very carefully supervising her children's independent play. She doesn't interfere unless necessary, no matter how appalled she is at other children's behavior. (If that little brat looks at him like that one more time.....) Hover mother is always laden with tote bags because she wants to make sure she is prepared for any situation, yet often forgets necessities (diaper wipes) at home. The most important thing to remember about any hover mother is that she is a reformed smother mother. Once she had baby number two, she was forced to relax and then realized what a lunatic she once was. But as soon as she gets one good look at dirt-caked fingernails, she crosses right back over to the dark side (temporarily). Hover mother is constantly a work in progress.
SUPERMOM
Supermom is the most elusive species of pool moms. Supermom arrives with a minimum of three perfectly groomed and attired children in tow, one moderately sized beach bag, a sporty yet stylish bathing suit, and a glowing smile. Supermom's children are responsible, well-mannered, respectful, and independent. Supermom has earned the right to sit in a lounge chair and read a book while her kids run off some energy. But supermom is not taking time off. No, no. She has trained herself to read with her left eye while keeping her right eye focused on all of her children. Her children know they can rely on her for anything and everything. Supermom is able to fulfill any request of her children.
Child 1: "Mom, can I have some water?"
Supermom: "Yes. There are cold bottles in the bag."
Child 2: "Mom, did we bring the watering can?"
Supermom: "Of course. It's in the bag."
Child 3: "Mom, all of the shady spots are taken, and the family that just showed up has a small baby that should be in the shade. Did we bring our 12' cantilever umbrella with 5 piece patio set and outdoor air conditioner?"
Supermom: (Smiling) "Yes. It's in the bag. Would you like for me to help you set it up for that family?"
Supermom is who ALL of the moms, even some of the hot mamas, truly want to be. She is in control, prepared, relaxed, and makes parenting look like a piece of cake. When it is time to go, supermom's children happily clamor out of the pool and quickly dry off and head to their freshly detailed car in the parking lot, which supermom has remotely started and has already cooled to a delightful 72 degrees.
Maybe I should state my qualifications to make such assessments. I have two eyes and two kids. I can see what is going on around me, and I have had to deal with all sorts of behavior from my boys. In other words, I'm highly educated in this area. I'm sure some of you think, "I don't fit into any of those categories", or "I'm a combination of those categories." I assure you, you are not. If you fit into the "hot mama" and "supermom" categories, I promise you that to the other moms you are ONLY seen as the "hot mama" and are therefore hated along with your flat stomach. If you think you are a "relaxer" who controls their children, I assure you that NOBODY else sees it this way, and I encourage you to mom up and get your kids in line without the assistance of the lifeguard. Other combinations may exist, but believe me when I tell you, no other person sees you as a combination. They have assigned you to your category and there you shall remain.
My deepest desire is to some day be supermom, but with only two children. I long to be the woman that glides through life, happily tending to all those around her with a smile on her face and nothing but love in her heart. I want to be the mother whose children know they can turn to her for anything and there she will be with a cool drink, a bandage, a funny joke, or a set of loving arms at the ready. I am constantly reminding myself how far I have come in the last three years and how much farther along I will be in another three years. I am definitely a work in progress. Being a mother hasn't been easy, but it has brought more happiness to my life than anything else has ever come close to bringing. For now, I am content knowing that I am a "hover mother" who is working towards becoming "supermom." If at some point I accidentally morph into a "hot mama" that would be cool, but God help me if I ever become a "relaxer."
You get to be the relaxer when the boys are with the grandparents!
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